January 2nd Winter Wonderment

It is snowing has been all day. I worked all day at the hospital. after work i visited my ex brother in law John. I made him beef stroganoff and we (and Max) exchanged Christmas gifts. I wanted it this way instead of quick drop and grab. I haven't seen him in awhile, he is handicapped and home bound. It was good to see him and just not be so rushed.
When we got home it was nearly bed time, I got ready for bed and pulled back the covers. It occurred to me as I sank into the Tempurpedic how everything in the bedroom was picked out by Chris, that extrapolated to the house. I mentally walked through the house, picturing each room, every piece of furniture, every lamp, every picture. There is nothing here of my former life before Chris. Not a lamp, a piece of art, an end table, bed or chair. All the furniture was either his or something we bought as a couple. The living room, all his from Framingham apartment. The bedroom, bought together at Workbench, the media room, bought in Cambridge, the kitchen, all Ikea. Max's two bedrooms all new. Even the walls of my house,formerly paneled, now wall boarded. All the windows and doors are new replaced by hand by Chris. Every light fixture, every light switch, all the plumbing it was as if the the house was changed from the inside, from the two by fours to the furniture.
Was that why he was in my life, to change what I couldn't? I start to cry,I want to ask him.I rollover onto the painful hip, I think I feel him which makes me cry more. Is he here in bed with me? Why can't I know for sure? I ask him are you here? I think/hear/imagine he says yes. How can I be sure? I need a sign. The signs are all around you he says.I need something BIG; send me an email!!! It doesn't work like that he says it is energy...I am energy. I am sobbing now, is this real? am I hallucinating, or making this up, do I want it so bad that it is a figment of my imagination?
Was Adam on the radio you(the most recent "sign" I can think of) Is it the snow?
What. Just pay attention, I imagine/hear. But I want you really hear,I need to talk to you. I don't want to be alone, I am frightened to be on my own, I make bad decisions and need you to guide me......crying very badly now, no answer.
Did I scare him away, are the tears too much negative energy, is he helpless to make me feel better so he abandons me?
I wish I want to understand this. But I can't. All I can do is wail right now and feel sorry for myself.