NIN

March, the month of the big slide when Chris began his descent to the the other side. Yesterday was so bad, I cried all the time, losing it here and there, culminating in a massive melt down at a YOGA class. I was so gone. I called Laurie hoping for some insight into why I was losing it in such a big. Bogged down with boyfriend problems, she doesn't hear her phone or chooses not to answer or listen to my message.
I go home....Not wanting to drink beer (gasoline on the fire) I opt for something different.... I HATE Riesling....a white wine, a favorite of Lynne's. It is ok. I start googling "how to make suicide look like a natural death" oh I am serious. I have had it. I see the road ahead. I know it's bad. I don't want to relive it I know how it ends......I google it for awhile, mostly message boards full of hope for the poor saps like me that have had enough...and I have had enough. It's like ok I have lasted 11 months isn't that enough? I did my best. I suffered through all the holidays, the anniversaries. I made it. I coped so what did it prove? Not a fucking thing. That I can suffer I guess. That I can cry and rail and rant and rave. and still go to work and do amazing things and be a great therapist, a great placer of the unplaceabale. a phenonm. and yet when I get home I am ugly, rageful, sorrowful and insane. two people or just one crazy person. surely i am not the only woman who was in love with her husband to the point of painful only to have lost it all. Did they all go crazy did they all enter the nether world at night?
I want to leave this life.....take a job in P town, California? (my other google obsession) or just check out.
My therapist checks in with me....do I have any plans for the future( an indicator that I am not all that serious). Yes I am going to Phantom of the Oprah with Dave,I have a legit hotel reservation in August for Carnival and I have a son.... I wouldn't put Max through anything this grotesque. He is the only thing that keeps me from driving my car off the bridge. (one of the recommendations from the sight).
My sister calls. Adam on Leno. I did dvr it but the dvr cuts off before it is over...of course.
Last year we were at the Brigham took the ambulance in, his crit was down to 15 (12 =death)he was admitted. We spent the better part of 2 weeks there.It was up nd down. I read the caring bridge today.I am icily calm in my writing. technical without being too graphic. Just the facts.....some humor but short, unlike the longer entries over the past 5 years. 5 FUCKING years that I tried to save him....yeah I know I am not an oncologist, but whatever.
Is this the apocalypse? do I only have to get through this then I can die too?
AsI sit here the pain flows through me like hot waves, over and over.
Though it all looks differnt now I know it is all the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Who we used to be.