Heart Attack on a Plate

All day long I carry this pressure on my chest, it started awhile I was helping Neal and Daniele (friends of Mac and Christians) move from one Beverly house to another. Nothing happened to trigger it it just kept growing growing growing. Soon it was joined by some substantial anxiety and several panic attacks. I am having a heart attack? Can a heart attack go on for this many hours? I recently watched a show about the female heart attack and the signs....all I can remember is the nausea, don't particularly feel nauseous. I have made plans for a movie with my friend Cindy whose boyfriend committed suicide. I am trying to reach out to her in a compassionate way. We were work friends before our losses but never really did anything socially although I thought a double date with the two of them with the two of us would have been fun, I never got there.
Anyway I decide to keep the date, because after all she is a nurse , if I croak during the movie she will know what to do, right? Not that i want to be saved although I do regret that I have not done a will yet....that is something I need to tend to. If I die now in theory my vast estate (ha) gets split between Max and Mary. Must not let my mother have any of Chris' riches.
I take an Ativan prior to going to the movies.
On the way to the movie I have a full blown panic attack, the lips are numb I can feel every heart beat, the surge of panic through my limbs. FUCK. I hit the CD, Adam Feeling Good. It calms me down......a little. I get to 128 still listening, still filled with this god awful panic. I close my eyes for a second .Next thing I see is my car hitting the car in front of me........Now I am panicked even more. I am breathing so hard I am almost panting.......They pull up, I pull up.....She has a Ford Focus and I managed to push in her back door, I am shaking I can't get out of the car into oncoming traffic, although I feel like jumping out and getting hit just to stop the panic. I open the door slightly, the cras whiz by in a blur......The driver comes over to me. She is sweet and not upset at all, asks me if I have a phone, wants my number, she is late for church....wants to get my number and leave, I write it on a scrap of paper, hands shaking so bad my handwriting so bad it looks like a 90 year old woman wrote it.
I can't believe this. I have seen people on this stretch of road after exactly such an accident as this, I am so glad that the police are not coming, surely I would have stroked out if that happened. I wonder if the woman I hit is an illegal, she was hard to understand and was just way too nice. I make it to theatre well ahead of schuule, still shaking.

Cindy gets there a little late, I tell her the story it feels surreal. She can't beleive I am here still.
I think, well I am going to have a heart attack and I would rather be here than in the ER, ihope her CPR skills are up to date. We get popcorn because we are seeing Julie and Julia. Afoodie movie that I have been dying to see for the food and for the information about blogging.
It is good although not 100% distracting, my friend anxiety is there with me everystep of the way the same way Julia Child is with Julie in the movie as she cooks. I'd rather have Julia Child with me instead of the creepy Anxiety.