T-2

Saw my therapist today, the regular one not the Hospice one....We tried to recreate the lst days of Chris. What was happeneing. I saw her the day before Chris died, was still hopeful about Florida. I shared that I wished she had pushed me more to have important dialogues with Chris, not about pragmatic thing but about what he was feeling, what he was thinking about his life and his possible death. I am looking for some sort of statement or statments that could have served to guide me during the next 365 days. But those conversations didn't happen.....I was left a drift without an anchor. Adrift to navigate the seas of loss and grief.
It is almost too much to bear. it is not the ripping, tearing, searing pain as it was not so long ago, but it is an allover pain. A dull all over ache that weighs me down....will it be lifted on April 3rd? who knows.