It is April 2nd 2010. a year ago I lost the love of my life. Did I know then what the impact would be? His death affects everything, colors everything, every decision, every action, every thought or feeling I have is colored by the loss.
I wake up at 4:30 AM too early for my meditation at the time of death 5:38 am. I have the alarm set for 5:20. i try to coax my self back to sleep, it is dark. I think back to the night he died. His rising up out of bed only to fall into child's pose, the struggle he experienced to "pass". I must have fallen asleep with these thoughts for the next thing I remember is the bleep bleep of the alarm. It is 5:20. I feel exhausted. I turn off the alarm. I move over to his side up the bed, the last spot he wa alive on this earth. I am sitting up I try to meditate, solo, no CD or music. I breathe in and out, I heighten my awareness. I want to notice something a sign a feeling. I watch the numbers on the clock change ...it is a slow deliberate process. Maybe that is the problem it is too deliberate. I am not in the moment I am trying to be in the moment. That's not how these things work...
Finally it is 5:36. Two minutes to go.....Aurora, Chris' beloved Labrador begins to twitch in an jerky manner. It is not her typical having a dream moving the legs but an all over her body shaking. She keeps it up for two minutes. I don't pat her or interrupt whatever it is that is going on. Is she getting a message from Chris? It is because she is not trying or at least I don't suppose she she is) that she gets to receive something form him? I have nothing. the clock moves to 5:39. The time has passed. I have not received a message or a sign or any comfort from this special time.
Is it because I was trying too hard? Wanted it too much? Or because it simply is not there?
The day stretches before me. Tonight is the "small" remembrance dinner. Nothing to do for that. I decide to walk the dog, maybe she will share what her twitching was about.
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