overwhelming sadness

It is barely dawn, dark with a hint of light. i lie in bed looking out the window at the pink and gray of a new day. Isn't that were I am supposed to be? coming out of the darkness? It has been 345 days, 11 months and 11 days. 20 days from now it will be the " death anniversary". What a term. Maybe it is because it is the weekend and although I have to go to work and group I don't have that jump out of bed urgency. I miss him. I miss Chris. I miss having our lives to share with each other. It is a sadness that is very deep. It is in my bones, deep withing It has changed me, it has altered my DNA.
I cannot fathom why he was taken from this world. What is the meaning?Is there a meaning? Why was Lindsay's fiancee taken from her? They were so in love, so perfect for each other? Is there any order in this chaos? Why did Chris just finish the kitchen, the last renovation of the house only to die 16 months later? What does this all mean? My mind feels confused and yearning to know. Why did I meet Chris? We met through an online dating service back in the day when such things were a novelty. What compelled me to write to him? Meet him? Marry him? Is it as the medical intuitive thought that I am drawn to those in need....Chris, Bob, Dave? Is that my lot in life eternal caretaker, giver, helper?
I thought Chris was my reward for all those years of suffering in bad relationships beginning with my childhood. I had endured a hellish upbringing, a bad marriage, a broken heart and here was this man loving me in a way that I had never known. thanks for loving me, because you are doing it perfectly.....what do you want from me? a line from Adam's single on the radio now.....what does life want from me, now?
Should I take that job in Provincetown? Move away from everything related to Chris, leave his masterpiece of a house and start over in our favorite place?
I am paralyzed still, I show up to life as it is listed on my schedule, I go to work and social events as indicated on the PDA. But I am not living, I am sleepwalking through life. And I don't want to do anything to change it, that would take me away from my grief, the only connection I have with my husband.....