Sitting in the back room, Chris' unofficial office/media room. I look around. It is as if I am seeing it for the first time, I am detached from it. I arise from the couch and wander into the main part of the house, past the kitchen into the living room, I gaze into the bed and bathroom. Nothing looks familiar,nothing is mine, it doesn't feel like home. It feels like I am renting the place for an extended vacation. I see the books on the book shelves, but they don't register, they don't look familiar. The objects in the book cases are the same, unfamiliar, devoid of any emotion or sentiment.
What a lovely bed and breakfast I think. And yet I am anxious to check out and get home. I just wonder where that is now.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
ring of fire
sitting here in front of the fire,I think as I so often so, what would you think of the 500 dollar chimenea? I debated buying it for so long.... It is nothing you would have enjoyed or would you have?
Sitting out side in the nippy fall air the wind stirring the leaves into a nice woozy back ground.
The fire barely warming my toes but smelling nice.......
I have been out here since 6 it is almost 7 grey day skies have melted into a deep periwinkle.
I am here but you are not.I cried on the way home just because I am one now and not two, not part of you....you know how much I miss you still ? It will be half a year soon, I can't believe it a whole half of a year..............where did it go, how did I survive and how will I survive the coming shorter days, longer nights, cold winds and cold beds. I think I am in for it, now, here comes the really hard part....the cold, bleak New England winter, the outside will match my inside and somehow that will be wrong, the synergy will be too great and it will destroy me. So be it.
So mode it be.
My therapist thinks I am depressed. I have had several panic attacks and they are horrific.
She wants me to start medication,I will I think just to see......She asked me what was going on a year ago......
Let's see you had 35 tumors removed, were in BW for 9 days and we were scrambling for meds and trials. My psyche must have known, because my body is now reliving that fear that I was going to lose you. The fear of a year ago is no where near the reality of the loss.
Right here, right now as I write these words the pain so so fresh, so ripping through my heart and soul that it is unbearable. I want to stop writing and go inside and watch whatever I can find, like I did last night, 3 hours of what? Distraction? numbness?
Oh why can't this be over? I can't imagine another night without you let alone another half a year.
Grief, so exhausting, so unforgiving, so ever present.
Sometimes it is like a monster ever hungry for more more more.
More tears
More searing pain
More memories to scar.
It will never go away, I don't think want I to, for it takes you farther away from me.
Sitting out side in the nippy fall air the wind stirring the leaves into a nice woozy back ground.
The fire barely warming my toes but smelling nice.......
I have been out here since 6 it is almost 7 grey day skies have melted into a deep periwinkle.
I am here but you are not.I cried on the way home just because I am one now and not two, not part of you....you know how much I miss you still ? It will be half a year soon, I can't believe it a whole half of a year..............where did it go, how did I survive and how will I survive the coming shorter days, longer nights, cold winds and cold beds. I think I am in for it, now, here comes the really hard part....the cold, bleak New England winter, the outside will match my inside and somehow that will be wrong, the synergy will be too great and it will destroy me. So be it.
So mode it be.
My therapist thinks I am depressed. I have had several panic attacks and they are horrific.
She wants me to start medication,I will I think just to see......She asked me what was going on a year ago......
Let's see you had 35 tumors removed, were in BW for 9 days and we were scrambling for meds and trials. My psyche must have known, because my body is now reliving that fear that I was going to lose you. The fear of a year ago is no where near the reality of the loss.
Right here, right now as I write these words the pain so so fresh, so ripping through my heart and soul that it is unbearable. I want to stop writing and go inside and watch whatever I can find, like I did last night, 3 hours of what? Distraction? numbness?
Oh why can't this be over? I can't imagine another night without you let alone another half a year.
Grief, so exhausting, so unforgiving, so ever present.
Sometimes it is like a monster ever hungry for more more more.
More tears
More searing pain
More memories to scar.
It will never go away, I don't think want I to, for it takes you farther away from me.
Friday, September 25, 2009
walking through the dark
Sunsets at 6:01 PM, I get home after that.....house is pitch black... I don't turn any lights on....I walk through the dark house....shrouded in the cool darkness. I don't want to turn the lights on I don't want to see what is not there, my husband. I want it to be March 25, when the sun last set at 6:01 PM.Chris was here then. Barely, but he was here. I stop, I listen I try to feel him. It is dark, there is no one.
Mrs Doubtfire
At work. At rounds. Carol asks me if I am ready to date again (5 monthes and 23 days after I lost my Chris)
Finally I had an answer at the ready:
Once the father of you children is out of the picture
the only way is total and complete celibacy
And if break that rule
May God help you
she was speechless
thank you Mrs. Doubtfire
Finally I had an answer at the ready:
Once the father of you children is out of the picture
the only way is total and complete celibacy
And if break that rule
May God help you
she was speechless
thank you Mrs. Doubtfire
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
ouch
Taking a break from the prep for the widows to come tomorrow......At first I felt good, happy, how lucky to be home at 3:30 watered the garden and began cooking, made the dough for the torata (it's resting) the crudites (or crude ites as Chris would say), the dip and the mozzarella skewers. Sat down......overwhelmed. I don't want to be alone here, I don't.... this is so stupid, me alone here cooking food......I should be cooking dinner.....not apps for the partner-less bunch. Yesterday I cleaned, I felt good about the house after, it looks nice when it is spiffed up, now I don't care. I fucking hate this roller coaster ride. I feel like I should choose a team, either ok or not ok. I can never find any peace, just waiting to be hit over the head with the stark realization that he is gone forever........I try to lean into he pain as my therapist told me to do. I lean and it hurts, the sharp tentacles of my loss stabbing me everywhere. I try to swim to the surface, but I am too tired. How can I be expected to work all day and grieve at the same time. How will I ever survive this and do I care. I feel like I could just walk to the Bridge and jump off.
Need to get that will done. Want to go to P town for Halloween.....surely I will get some relief then....
Need to get that will done. Want to go to P town for Halloween.....surely I will get some relief then....
people
Patrick Swayze died, People did a cover and pictorial, each picture of Patrick portraying the sexy and gorgeous creature he was. Flip to the last page a picture from "his last photo shoot".
There it is......the look of cancer, the vacant eyes, the gaunt lackluster look, the spirit fractured. When did Chris have that look? I don't recall it, was I blind to it? Someone sent me a "sympathy card" with a penned note that said something about the last time they saw Chris and i at breakfast in March......."I could tell he didn't have long". What a thing to say, did he look that bad as he ate his "regular" Chocolate Chip pancakes......I wish I had a picture of him then....would I be shocked to see what I never saw? I think back to Vegas, he seemed to look ok. Jake and Steve didn't say anything to me about how he looked, oh sure he wasn't energetically at full capacity but we were eating his vegan diet and that's enough to make anyone kinda weak, right?
e only time he looked bad to me was when he was dead, and not even immediately after, a few hours later, when his face was drained and his skin started to mottle. Then he looked bad, like the battle was over and he could never come back so naturally he had to look bad.
I must be losing my mind........
There it is......the look of cancer, the vacant eyes, the gaunt lackluster look, the spirit fractured. When did Chris have that look? I don't recall it, was I blind to it? Someone sent me a "sympathy card" with a penned note that said something about the last time they saw Chris and i at breakfast in March......."I could tell he didn't have long". What a thing to say, did he look that bad as he ate his "regular" Chocolate Chip pancakes......I wish I had a picture of him then....would I be shocked to see what I never saw? I think back to Vegas, he seemed to look ok. Jake and Steve didn't say anything to me about how he looked, oh sure he wasn't energetically at full capacity but we were eating his vegan diet and that's enough to make anyone kinda weak, right?
e only time he looked bad to me was when he was dead, and not even immediately after, a few hours later, when his face was drained and his skin started to mottle. Then he looked bad, like the battle was over and he could never come back so naturally he had to look bad.
I must be losing my mind........
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