Happy anniversary

10 Years ago I married a wonderful man who loved me like i have never been loved before. And now he is gone, taken from me .....for what reason I will never understand. Even in my deepest meditative buddha state, I can't get it. Was it karma? something I needed to learn? It must be one hell of a lesson for someone to have to die. I prefer to think it has absolutely no meaning except it is part of my shit life. Doomed to this I was from the start I guess. It is why I will never recover from this, I don't want to, to recover means to risk hoping for some semblence of a normal, maybe happy like. Why risk that again? If I am miserable and in pain, and stay that way nothing can be taken from me again. Very Buddhist of me to form no attachenments. Maybe the job in Provincetownwould help me, move away from everything I love, form no new attachemnts and never get hurt again. Oh I will carry this pain, but I won't get any more pain.