bone weary

so tired today. Had Acupuncture today for the hips/back. Hoping it can help. I liked the acupuncture, it reminded me of Chris going to Tom Tam. It was really relaxing and I felt myself drifting off. I remembered that this was always Chris' favorite part of the Tom Tam experience. I am lucky that I know the practitioner from the New Earth book group.It made it easier somehow.
When I left I was so sleepy. I met with Laurie for a while then had two clients, it was a struggle. I went to a store afterward to get something to wear for the fundraiser. By the time I walked half way around the store I had to leave, I was in so much paining. Limping to the car I started to cry, the pain hurt so much and I felt myself getting angry. Angry that this pain is standing in the way of my grief pain. Angry that I am putting so much effort into fixing this pain and I feel no different. Maybe I should quit the chiropractor. I am so tired of dealing all of this. So very very weary. I would just like a day that is normal, get up, shower and get dressed without wincing in pain, do some mediation, reading, walk the dog. I can't do any of this without pain. And I have so much I want to do but the pain prevents me which makes me depressed, angry and tired. When will it get better. And even if my hip gets better will the rest of my life be any better? Or will I be confronted with enormity of my loss, the emptiness of the rest of my life. I feel like I can't concentrate on anything as all I can think of is wanting to saw off my leg. (Maybe I have been watching too many Jig SAW movies???)
I get home and stagger to the couch, the dog needs to go and I stumble down the stairs to let her out, still crying. I contemplate the assortment of leftover cancer drugs I have, none of them worked before......perhaps a six pack, but even that doesn't appeal to me anymore.
I decide to try and watch tv but can't. AI is on at nine I won't make it,I crawl into bed at 8 PM and leave the TV on. I don't know when I pass out, but I eventually do.