A New Year

I had therapy with Kelli Wednesday, we talked about how hard the holidays were, DC and the upcoming NYE. I really thought the worst was over, I said. How do you feel about it not being 2009 anymore? she asked. Hadn't thought about THAT one. So it will be 2010. Not a year that Chris ever lived in, a year that I will be in alone without him. Surreal. I imagined it to be like a ship sailing away, the year 2009, that last year he was alive. As I write this I can't believe that it is still true. How can it be? And yet I get up every day, go to work every day, talk to and see friends every day. Fed the dog, water the plants, do laundry, grocery shop, eat drink, shower. I carry on. And yet how do I?It still feels like I am floating on the surface of life, getting the to do list done. But if I dive below the surface and am still and think about things, like 2009 not being the year anymore and Chris not being in it, the pain is still so real, my mind can't seem to wrap around the idea of it.
My plan for NYE (never a big deal) was to stay home and drink a few beers and go to bed. For some reason I changed my mind and Max and I went to see the new James Cameron movie "Avatar"...in 3D. I wanted to go for Chris, a huge James Cameron fan.
Max wanted to see it too. As we head to the movies the radio is playing softly, and we are just making small talk. Something searingly familiar hits my ears, what is that song? It hits me! It is Adam on the radio WDYWFM (What Do You Want From Me)! I can't believe it. I interrupt Max mid sentence and turn up the volume. It is true; he is on the radio! This is the first time I have heard Adam over the airways. I beep the horn with excitement (Max tells me to calm down).I note the time 6:18PM. Is this a gift from Chris, I go see Avatar, you can hear Adam on the radio? I have just gone from flat to 3 D!
As I sat in theater watching it I wondering, if he could see it because I was seeing it. Can I do things that he would want to do to make them possible for him. He so loved movies, (and he taught me to love them). There are so may movies he wanted to see, that he didn't live long enough to enjoy. This of course would have been the biggie. I was never a sci fi fan, but I enjoyed the movie, occasionally wiping back a tear or two at the thought that if he can't see the movie through my eyes then I am sad that he is missing it. All crazy delusions that I have some control or don't have control. I concentrate on the movie, it is easy to slip into the fantasy world of Pandora.I want to be a Navi, I want to leave this worlds and be part of Pandora.

Max enjoys the movie, everyone claps at the end (Chris LOVED when that happened).
Max is hungry so we go fro crappy Chinese food, I can barely eat, I try to get through the grease fest and the crowded loud restaurant, it s after 10 PM and the patrons are well on their way to ushering in NYE, Mai's Tai's are flowing, I want one, but am afraid to have one and drive home.

When we get home I flip through the TV channels but end up in bed well before midnight.
Happy New Year, Chris. I look forward to the next movie......

Sunday in DC

unlike yesterday's gloomy drizzle, today dawns bright, my mood is still left in the Saturday drizzle. Max slept late as usual and I didn't have the energy to get him up, where were we going to go today anyway? I am really not interested in the sights and sounds of our nation's capital and I sincerely do not have the energy to think of places to go.....Max said he is "just a go with the flow kinda of guy". unfortunately my only flow is the one that takes me back to bed. I don't want to be here but i don't want to be home. I want to be dead, yes really (and no I won' t do anything ) Anyway I am already dead.
We go to DuPont Circle as suggested by Wendy, Chris' sister. I really wish she was here to drag us around, I have to walk everywhere because my anxiety is through the roof and one look at the Metro deep dive escalator caused a panic attack, I had to tell Max what was going on....I think he thinks I am nuts.
So we cab to the circle which is very disappointing, or we didn't know where to look, two bookstores a bead shop and a P town type shop that sold rainbow Christmas trees? Where were the funky Tibetan stores or the ethnic stores? We left after an hour, lucky enough to find a cab back. And now we are in the room I could stay here til Tuesday, but It is rather nice out and this is costing me alot, maybe a walk in the sunshine will up my mood somehow.

Christmas Eve Christmas morning

Finally in bed, the tacky tree I pulled down from the attic (so as not to scar the boy) is glowing from the living room. I give in to it finally the heaving poor me sobs, Christmas alone with out my Chris. Coincidence the Christmas has his name in it? Or that every Christmas we had was because of him. If it was up to me I would ignore it all. But now i know what a truly fun,wonderful and loving day it can be. So glad I learned that lesson so it could be ripped from my heart leaving a gaping hole that oozes pain and and drips anger. Anger that I was given the gift and for only a short while. Why show the child all the gifts under the Christmas tree only to shove them back in the orphanage. How draconian. Sleep finally stops the descent into a Charles Dickens nightmare.

i awake early the next morning. I see the lobster boat in the harbor. just another December morning, nothing looks like Christmas out on the water. I am relieved.

Christmas Eve

Having successfully eluded the friends and family who are a part of my Italian traditional Christmas Eve fete, I call Lindsey to connect with her tonight as part of my safety plan with my therapist. Not being able to leave Christmas Eve night for DC made her nervous that I would be alone and depressed. Because it is so much easier/better to depressed with someone close by. I had told Lindsey all this and we had made a plan, that I would come over and give Jack his present (she had one for me to give , but I wanted to give him the chef set....these facts escaped her when I called. She and Kevin had a reservation at the Outback, wouldn't be home til late. So much for my safety net.....I was encouraged to join them and Max was enthused at the prospect of a large slab of cow so we went. I was feeling shaky so Max drove ( and we had to deliver the Fisherman/Santa to Lauren's house so we took his truck. I was quiet n the ride over. the restaurant was noisy and i was greeted by "V", Lindsey's friend and a former hairdresser of mine. Vanessa (V) is working at the Out Back tonight. She is over the top loud and bawdy in a cheerful and attractive way, she is hard to describe, part Dolly Parton (blonde and built) one part Kathy Griffin (wise cracking quick tongue) and one part sweetheart, that's her. She bring me a Bud Light and Max gets a Guinness.
We order, she takes Jack around the restaurant several times to buy Lindsey some time to eat (truly a full service waitress).
I get teary eyed a few times, and rest my head on Lindsey shoulder, I manage to hold it together, the Bud Light is helping......we finish our meals and I want to go but Lindsey ordered a Ginger Bread martini which we wanted to try, another distraction I am grateful for..... we sip it, it is weird I like the cookies that come with it better than the drink. I had brought Jack's gifts one of which he opened the rest i ave to Linds for Christmas morning. We hug in the parking lot, and head off in our different directions. I wonder if this will be my new tradition Christmas Eve at the Australian Outback. Christmas Eve down under. Christmas Eve down and under the radar.

Christmas Eve part 2- Santa Surprise

I had an idea to take the Fisherman statue that Laurie had given me and turn him into a Santa. I spent several nights painting his yellow slicker coat and hat red, layering the paint to get a good color. I also touched up his hat with red and white.
I was making this for my long time friend Lauren. Every year for many many years I had given her a Santa figurine, she collected them and I would go to great lengths to get them, usually buying them in the post Christmas sales for 50% off (they retail around 80 bucks). I hadn't given her a Santa in a long time and especially not a wood carved life sized one.
It is in Max's truck and we try to plan how we are going to get in her yard un spotted. I want this to be a surprise half the fun is Lauren's quandary of figuring out who sent it!
Lauren LOVES Christmas and I suspect has a house full which will either help by causing a distraction or hurt by adding eyes and ears to our covert operation.
We approach on side street, Lauren's House is dead ahead, and NO ONE IS HOME!
I can't believe our luck...... We place "Santa" by the door and scurry away. I wait for her to call but she never does. I facebook her son to put him on alert.
it is not until 2 days later she figures it out. i can't wait to see her to hear about her mental gymnastics to figure out where Santa came from!
This to me was what I think I would like Christmas Eve to be like.....pulling surprises bordering on pranks. Christmas Eve with a twist. Tim Burton may have to be called.

NIN

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEW8riKU_tE

Am I Going too DeeP?

In bed, exhausted, shutters open out to the dark and white of the night the blackness of the sky against the white snow laden seascape. Black and White, like my thoughts, my life. I am either going to the mall with Max, having dinner, talking on the phone. From the outside it looks "normal" "ok" just an "average" life.
And then I stop, I go to bed, I rest my aching hips and it hits me......the reality of the loss, my loss, his loss, our loss. Are you as sick as reading this as I am of writing it? And yet I can't seem to get to that place where I remember being married to a wonderful man and am wistful, fondly thinking of him with a slightly crooked smile and perhaps one eye slightly brimmed with tears. The smile gets stronger and I have moved on.
I can't get there, I know what it looks like but I can't imagine ever actual implementation of that.
Instead I lie here staring out the window aching, missing, longing, yearning, thirsting, craving my husband.He is so larger than life by the vast hole he is left in my life, my heart and my mind.