6/4/09
Surfacy.
It seems somewhat easier to just lightly skim the surface of life to stay on the top edge of reality....what is happening right now, while I am in traffic, what is the car ahead of me doing, is the light green, what is Howie Carr or Matt Siegel talking about....don't think, don't dive beneath the surface of what is just the perception in front of me. For if I do have that moment of submersion it cause me to gulp for air as if my head were shoved under water unexpectedly. I gulp in the water with realization that I am alone and I choke, not sea water but my own salty tears as they stream down my cheeks landing in the corners of my mouth. He is not here, he is not at home he is never going to be by my side again, another gulp of air as I try to catch myself from falling down the vortex of despair, where surely if I let go I will descend into the abyss of sorrow the pain so searing that it will scar my mind and I will lose my grip on the surface of the casual fluff that makes up most of our days. Part me does not care, I could willingly go down the vortex and land in a sea of despair which would drown me forever. Ending this cycle, this roller coaster ride in the dark where I know not when the next high or low will be. I just know I can never get off this ride........The life I left when I got on I long gone and I do not want a new one, I want no other life than the one I had. Impossible relationships .....my special gift (Richard Gere Pretty Woman).
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Other people
6/3/09
Other people.
Yesterday was two months 60 days. 11 days past his entre into the world of Enlightenment. I have settled that he has reached the enlightenment because I do believe that he possessed so many qualities that were in line with a perfect Buddha, he could not have possibly transitioned to another being. What did he have to learn? He knew all the lessons about life and peole and what matters most......and if he is enlightened I do not have to worry about him taking on the form of some baby born on May 21st, let alone any other sentient being. I on the other hand have much work to do if I am ever to join him and escape coming back as a cow.
Lindsey called. Upset. She wanted to come over last night I said no I needed to be alone....dinner out? For what nothing to celebrate only to mourn and grieve. And now that the 49 days are past I feel that I can grieve without the worry that I am holding him back. I suppose there is more to that but I haven't cracked my buddha books in a while.
Anyway I canceled my night of Dexter, Mac and Ashley, and waited I could have gone to bed by the time she arrived “for beers”. I had lemonade in my beer can (yes I dumped a beer out!!!) just didn't want to drink, it just makes me cry harder.
Lindsey misses me (I miss her too) and wishes she had a night or a day neatly scheduled with me.
I don't schedule these things people just show up, cooking me dinner, watching a Tuesday show ( we had to replace Idol with something, although can replace Adam, and sometimes we re watch his performances. I am now caretaking, not a role I want or strive for, but it is baby wiz ( her nickname from Chris form the many years she was our date for dinner and a movie). I'll try I promise knowing I will in some way try to reach out more although that was never my nature and it is excruciating now.
Reachin out means touching someone, being vulnerable, having to explain what it is I need, when the only thing I need or want is for Chris to be here, or I to be wherever he is. Can anyone do that for me?
Other people.
Yesterday was two months 60 days. 11 days past his entre into the world of Enlightenment. I have settled that he has reached the enlightenment because I do believe that he possessed so many qualities that were in line with a perfect Buddha, he could not have possibly transitioned to another being. What did he have to learn? He knew all the lessons about life and peole and what matters most......and if he is enlightened I do not have to worry about him taking on the form of some baby born on May 21st, let alone any other sentient being. I on the other hand have much work to do if I am ever to join him and escape coming back as a cow.
Lindsey called. Upset. She wanted to come over last night I said no I needed to be alone....dinner out? For what nothing to celebrate only to mourn and grieve. And now that the 49 days are past I feel that I can grieve without the worry that I am holding him back. I suppose there is more to that but I haven't cracked my buddha books in a while.
Anyway I canceled my night of Dexter, Mac and Ashley, and waited I could have gone to bed by the time she arrived “for beers”. I had lemonade in my beer can (yes I dumped a beer out!!!) just didn't want to drink, it just makes me cry harder.
Lindsey misses me (I miss her too) and wishes she had a night or a day neatly scheduled with me.
I don't schedule these things people just show up, cooking me dinner, watching a Tuesday show ( we had to replace Idol with something, although can replace Adam, and sometimes we re watch his performances. I am now caretaking, not a role I want or strive for, but it is baby wiz ( her nickname from Chris form the many years she was our date for dinner and a movie). I'll try I promise knowing I will in some way try to reach out more although that was never my nature and it is excruciating now.
Reachin out means touching someone, being vulnerable, having to explain what it is I need, when the only thing I need or want is for Chris to be here, or I to be wherever he is. Can anyone do that for me?
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Cement
today is another cement day....feel heavy, can't do anything, only getting out of bed for bathroom trips and fluids. So much around me to do, the dust bunny/dog hair tufts are starting to gain in size and movement. The garden could use some attention .................nothing matters.
Blog Eat Exercise.
Guess all I can do is blog.
Overwhelming tears today with the thoughts of never seeing or talking to Chris again. I looked at my watch and remembered how we disagreed on where to wear a watch. Above the wrist bump (Chris) r below (me). My mind instantly brought up a crystal high definition picture of his arm, slightly tanned with his freckles, moles and hair so clear so real. His watch was just below his "computer hands" The hands that I loved the hands that and built me a kitchen, the hands that tenderly strokes my face, the ands that could fix anything. the tears rolled down my face but his hands are not here to wipe them away.
The cold realization that he never would be here for me ever again shot through me, pouring ice into my veins. I felt so cold, alone and so just wanting to die.
Blog Eat Exercise.
Guess all I can do is blog.
Overwhelming tears today with the thoughts of never seeing or talking to Chris again. I looked at my watch and remembered how we disagreed on where to wear a watch. Above the wrist bump (Chris) r below (me). My mind instantly brought up a crystal high definition picture of his arm, slightly tanned with his freckles, moles and hair so clear so real. His watch was just below his "computer hands" The hands that I loved the hands that and built me a kitchen, the hands that tenderly strokes my face, the ands that could fix anything. the tears rolled down my face but his hands are not here to wipe them away.
The cold realization that he never would be here for me ever again shot through me, pouring ice into my veins. I felt so cold, alone and so just wanting to die.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Close to 2 months
Day 56
Woke had a dream last night the second onei have had since Chris left......(left where did that come from?) Of course I told myself to writ it down, of course I didn't something about party planning gone wrong and people with Adam Lambert hair. Next time i will write it down.
I must have had the dream because I spent 5 count them 5 hours last night onn the sofa watching the end of Birdcage ( for the third time) then some Life time movie then Blades of Glory, nothing satisfied, I felt heavy depressed and even googled suicide (how to make it look like an accidnet---weird sites). I finally gave in and watched the Lord Scream Nova perform. It lefied my depression enouh so that I could get up off the couch and go to bed. I left the computer off and drifted to sleep.
Slept til 7 AM a first since Chris' dying woke me up.
I had group today, I was spacing out and in one of my trips out of the group I was thinking .....did I meet marry and fall in love with chris just so I could help him die? Was that why I came inot his life? Is that why he put up with me. loved me? He often said so that he loved me and that he thanked god 9who he did't believe in., rmemeber? for me that he could n't go through all what he had withut me....then i thought i helped him die, and he helped me live....he took an afraid to travel gal and put her on cruise ships and airplanes! He tore her house apart and made it a palace, he made love to her like he meant it, created children, out of love.
Woke had a dream last night the second onei have had since Chris left......(left where did that come from?) Of course I told myself to writ it down, of course I didn't something about party planning gone wrong and people with Adam Lambert hair. Next time i will write it down.
I must have had the dream because I spent 5 count them 5 hours last night onn the sofa watching the end of Birdcage ( for the third time) then some Life time movie then Blades of Glory, nothing satisfied, I felt heavy depressed and even googled suicide (how to make it look like an accidnet---weird sites). I finally gave in and watched the Lord Scream Nova perform. It lefied my depression enouh so that I could get up off the couch and go to bed. I left the computer off and drifted to sleep.
Slept til 7 AM a first since Chris' dying woke me up.
I had group today, I was spacing out and in one of my trips out of the group I was thinking .....did I meet marry and fall in love with chris just so I could help him die? Was that why I came inot his life? Is that why he put up with me. loved me? He often said so that he loved me and that he thanked god 9who he did't believe in., rmemeber? for me that he could n't go through all what he had withut me....then i thought i helped him die, and he helped me live....he took an afraid to travel gal and put her on cruise ships and airplanes! He tore her house apart and made it a palace, he made love to her like he meant it, created children, out of love.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Desolate
5-29 dream tea cups and chatting online with chris to fix things
mute can't write or talk
crying on the way home desolation
mute can't write or talk
crying on the way home desolation
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Hospice therapy
day 53
first meeting with Kelli ......even though Chris wass not a patient at the Kaplan House, he wsa a Hopsice patient so going there was painful. Sitting in the lobby, watchcing families come and go visitng family members who are dying. They have no idea of the pain they will feel when their loved one dies, I muse. I feel sorry for them knowing what is in their future. I wish i could spare them, but who would have spared me?
Kelli is nice, about my age ( I was happy.....if she was very young I think it would have been hard for me).
I am very teary as I fill her in on the details of Chris' illness and death. She does alot of talking which I needed. What stood out the most was that I have to figure out how to forge a new relationship with Chris. I turn that over in my mind several times. I like the feel of that. He is not gone, I can still have a relationship with him. I just have to figure it out. What will it look like,how will it feel, will it be enough?
first meeting with Kelli ......even though Chris wass not a patient at the Kaplan House, he wsa a Hopsice patient so going there was painful. Sitting in the lobby, watchcing families come and go visitng family members who are dying. They have no idea of the pain they will feel when their loved one dies, I muse. I feel sorry for them knowing what is in their future. I wish i could spare them, but who would have spared me?
Kelli is nice, about my age ( I was happy.....if she was very young I think it would have been hard for me).
I am very teary as I fill her in on the details of Chris' illness and death. She does alot of talking which I needed. What stood out the most was that I have to figure out how to forge a new relationship with Chris. I turn that over in my mind several times. I like the feel of that. He is not gone, I can still have a relationship with him. I just have to figure it out. What will it look like,how will it feel, will it be enough?
Monday, May 25, 2009
day 53
does Chris know he is dead? is he out there somewhere? does he know I am heartbroken, life shattered and inconsolable? how could he?if he doesn't am I only crying for myself? am I selfish to cry because I am alone?
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