Crawl through the fire of grief......

dear chris.....

last time I wrote I just wrote that I didn't want to be alone, although I seldom am, what I really meant is that I WANTED chris.....back in my life, here to talk to. Impossible relationships, my special gift (Richard Gere is in my head again). I can talk to Chris, through letters, here....maybe he will answer back.

Dear Chris:
I hope you are enjoying the transformation of the deck railing. I think it is quite spectacular, although is is not "up to code" or "historical". The poor carpenter has been so nervous about not pulling a permit and being caught by the building inspector that I gave him an Ativan last week. (I think it was more about his girlfriend problems...but I will get to that later).
I remembered when I had the inside stair rail done as a father's day present for you. We had been constantly working on the house, and had had all the walls plastered. You were investigating different approaches to the railing to make it less early American and more us. Unbeknownst to you I hired a carpenter to come in and look at the pictures you had earmarked in your magazines and decorator books (metro sexual that you are). In a matter of hours the railing was done and I saved you a whole weekend of work. You were very surprised and I think you really liked it (although you didn't like that it cost over $1400.00.
The deck railing replicates the inside railing. It has PVC sleeves over the old posts and the metal wire in between. I am thrilled that it means no more painting! John (the carpenter) even made a wide top for your stereo speakers and drink!
Only one small part had to be wood but other wise it is maintenance free!
It looks great and I have been wondering what you would have though of it. It was the original railing the Dave put up and was always a mess. You didn't have any ideas when it came to replacing it and there is always the code/historic issues. Well now it is done. I hope you love it!

tapestry

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lost weekend

afteri went to a book signing formy friend Steve and Max left i took to my bedm too tired to attend to the moutain of chores...laundry,bills filing, paperwork. totally sapped of any energy. I looked back I was in the same shape last year. It was 2 oclockand i laid down, turned the tv on and just laid there. the thought og getting up crossed my mind. I told myself i would get up at 230 then 3, then 330 all the way to 530. i was to hear from mac a out getting together for dinner but did't and iwas glglad. I didn't eat or drink I just laid ther all aftrrnoon and evening watching lifetime and googling nonsense. fianally at 10 i decide to shut down the electronics.

so sad

A year later.....still having tough days and this is one of the toughest in what will now be known as year 2. Good grief, another year of writing all this down?
So so sad today, worried about money and home repairs and having enough. A new deck railing costs $3600.00, too much, can't do it. (of course the HDMI wire would have paid for that). A million thoughts run through my head. Get my shit together, write Max a nice letter and disappear (it's a feeling----you readers out there ok?)
I have PT tonight, endless therapy to solve the brokenness of my hip/back/spirit.
She runs me through the "assessment". whatever, get me outta here, it's almost 8 and Adam is on AI. He kept me alive today.....can't wait to see him, here him talk (no singing tonight he is a mentor). I blast my FYE CD in the car, play Fever 3 times, in its synthcy wonderment. Wish he would play THAT on AI on Wednesday. Ah two nights of Adam on AI just when I needed it the most.

Adam doesn't disappoint. He is a mentoring king, pushing the lame into talented.
At one point he sings a wee bit of an Elvis song it is enough. I feel free, happy for just one second of a long miserable day.....and then some magic happens

After AI I decide to rip the japan CD (the one with rabbit hole on it) have to hear it in my car.....
While it is ripping/burning I hit the speakers in the front room, it blasts. I go toward the speakers so I can hear it all....start to move, I am dancing! moving. dancing without much pain....oh there is a little but I haven't moved like this in years without pain.....a special gift, a special uplift from my masacraed angel.

in the aftermath

It's not ok that you are gone and left me here with all the rest of my lie to figure out. We owe (YOU, YOU owe) $18,000.00 in taxes. Capital gains for your stupid etrade account that I can't even get to. How am I supossed to pay that? WTF, Chris.
And if that was't bad enough I have boxes and boxes of your stuff to go through. Not the clothes and books and music and dvd's that are upstairs. No the boxes in your computer room downstairs. I was going to leave them alone til I discovered that the mice have been making quite a nice nest in them. Yeah the mice I kept telling you we had, that you wrote to Gail about :" Karen thinks there is a mouse downstairs and points to some black dirt as proof". Well smarty pants I guess I was right. They sure do like all the copies of the Lowell Connector. What is that newspaper? It is the newspaper from when you were at ULowell, OVER 29 years ago.
What were you saving them for?????? I burned them all in the "outdoor fireplace/trash burner". Hope you are not mad.
I also clenaed out some of your leftover odds and ends from re wiring the house.. All those spools of HDMI wire. Yeah I found out later that they were worth over 4 grand. How was I to know? I put them out on the sidewalk and they were gone in 60 seconds......How do I know what is important to save and what isn't since you save EVERYTHING. Yeah all the cards and letters from Nahid and Gail and Lynne and your mother and Steve Lincoln, all predating email. I am surprised you didn't scan them.
I feel like I don't even know you.....Najid held your hatred of Lynne.She wrote to you of how much she loved you so much that she hated Lynne for you because you couldn't. Is that true? And does it even matter?
I guess it shows that there are two sides to every story te story you told yourself and the stories the girls are telling me now. Is this why you were so protective of your stuff? You didn't want me to find out thestory behind the story? As if I would have cared.
Maybe I didn't know you and you didn't know me. Otherwise why would you have left all of this for me to sift through?

April 2 2010 Evening

22 people for dinner!?!? What was I thinking? An unique way to remember Chris, something to create that we could look forward (??) to every year. Definitely a marker, though, a big deal. Lynne came early to help. Gail abstained. Only 2/3rds of the harem, oh well t would have to do. My fantasy was that if all three of us (withces of Eastwick) were here he would have to show, the pull would be too strong.
The table is set it looks better than I thought, all aglow in white linens and candles. I love the way everything looks, dreamy, spiritual. Candles everywhere. white rocks from Racepoint beach as place cards. It truly is a magical space created in our home. The sun is setting and the slanting rays cast a golden sheen on everything.
Folks start arriving, Kathy my next door neighbor comes bearing the meatloaf she prepared as well as Chris's favorite dessert Marble Cake1. Laurie comes with her trinkets and tools. A Sage brush to cleanse the energy of each guest before they enter the house. Not sure how this will go over with my Catholic "I can't eat on good Friday" sister and her Asian husband, but I want to do this right. Jared, my "tadpole" gets to stand outside with the burning sage brush and as each person approaches the door, he tells them that it is to cleanse their energy. Everyone has dressed in white and it lends a oneness to the night. Guests are respectfully quiet as the enter, carrying their offerings to kitchen. Laurie's partner is making the mashed potatoes and I was curious why he waited to make them here instead of making them at Laurie's and bringing them, one taste and I didn't care. They were creamy perfect clouds of yum, just the way Chris would have loved them. Simple, pure and whiter than white. I was in charge of the chicken and stuffing (in the bird of course). Andrea made a chopped vegetable salad with the whitest creamiest ranch dressing. All his favorite foods, all his favorite friends, what more could he want.
I don't really believe that he will show up in 3 d , I just want a whisper of a feeling, like a soft breeze that catches my attention for just a moment, brushes my cheek with its coolness and separateness. A sense of special.
Finally everyone (but Mac, Brit and Neal ---who are at a God Friday ?Celebration) is here. After a few minutes of enjoying Chris favorite appetizers, bread with dipping oil and scallops wrapped in bacon, washed down with a white russian or rum madras, Laurie rings her Tinga bells. She says nothing just a simple one note ring. She only has to do it twice and everyone is silent. She asks everyone to take their place at the table so that we may begin. By now it is dark outside, but there is sufficient candlelit for everyone to make there way to the table. Clad all in white the clothing seems to glow in the darkness. It looks as if we are lit from withing. Is that the meaning, the message? We all carry a part of Chris with us? Us who are left behind. Or is it us who have moved away from him?
We settle in, silent, even Aurora cooperates.
Laurie speaks:
" Grief is an altered state. Death forces the mind/body to enter another state of consciousness, another dimension. Our friend Karen has entered this awareness this past year. We have all observed her pain, both emotional and physical.
Chris and Karen shared a special love. They, the king and queen lived in the Love Shack while welcoming all of us into their home. It was clear to me that they knew how fortunate they were to have one another. They appreciated one notherr and the life they co created together. it was close to a perfect relationship. I smile when I remember Chris rolling his eyes as Karen took yet another call from a desperate client and talked them off the ledge.

I believe Karen found her anchor, in Chris, her ground her dearest friend. and within their love she healed some of hr deepest wounds.

Chris' world opened up by sharing life with a wild woman. This vibrant ever changing with the new liberated, high energy, loving female changed his world and made it fun and exciting. He told me so,

And so Karen was forced into the sacred practice this year, fored to bear the unbearable. The loss and grief of a beloved husband nd companion. She has experienced that very skillfully at times:individual therapy, group therapy, support groups, journaling, crying, blogging, eating, not eating, drinking, not drinking, being alone, being with friends, working too much and turning grey.

Sometimes when she stopped resisting she would go directly into the pain,sometimes moment by moment.

As Karen moved through her grief sh has had to push herself beyond her own limits to go beyond whatever and who ever she had previously imagined herself and her life to look like. I believe Chris prepared her for thistransformation of inner bonding as hard as it was and still is.

During this difficult long year of mourning she never stopped caring cooking,laughing,volunteering and being there for others with her wit, her energy and her food. Adam Lambert, the sexy massacred angel, sang to her to guide her along her path. And she has black leather glove to prove it.

Karen's essence energy is straight from the heart. Chris'essence energy is straight is straight from the heart.

In the words of one of my favorite spiritual teachers Stephen Levine 'when we die energy moves from one state of being to energy of a different kind'.

i invite us all to have a moment of silence together to honor Chris' spiritual energy and heartfelt essecne and to see, embrace and acknowledge Karen in all her goodness and growth"

Karen may you saturate yourself with compassion and deep self care and move forward living your life from your deepest highest most alive self."

I am blown away by Laurie's words. She has crystallized the year and in true and beautiful way. We are all silent.

Laurie invites others to speak. Using Chris' GORT figurine as a talking stick she invites everyone to share something with me.

Janet tells a story of a time when she and Chris after one of the many many meetings they attended to advocate for dogs in the park, went out for a drink. As was their habit she called Mike and Chris called me to join them. Before we got there Janet shared that Chris asked her to compliment me when she saw me as I had just begun a bootcamp-style workout and had lost some weight and he wanted me to feel good about it and continuing. I had not heard the story before and it was another shared moment demonstrating how loved I was.